Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather