If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
don’t be scared
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!