“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
What the hell is going on?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.