Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
my astrological sign is a french fry
Yup….perfect score!
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle