*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
become ungovernable
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.