wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
the battle rages on
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.