How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You Might Also Like
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Realize this:
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car