My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.