INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
me when i see my girls butt
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Modded the new Gran Turismo
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago