Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The photographer’s assistant
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”