Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The Friday File.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.