It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I used to be married, but I’m better now
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
How to wake up a Beagle
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.