Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
liiiiiiiiike
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-