Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Warm pools make me nervous.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!