Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*