So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I can fix him.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist