Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
They’re the worst 😩
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.