boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet