Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
podcasts
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight