It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*