Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?