Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire