Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.