Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You Might Also Like
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It be like that sometimes 😆
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
house sitting!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here