Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.