Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter