a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
What if all the cashiers are married?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head