I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night