in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
i’m sure it’s fine
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.