Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”