[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Strangers have the best candy.