Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.