The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos