I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”