My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Terribly Tuesday.