Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.