back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button