The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.