Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
You Might Also Like
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.