Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
🤣🤣🤣
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it