You Might Also Like
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
What the hell is going on?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
? 💀
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here