the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
This hospital has everything
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
12. I think about this all the damn time
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.