Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.