“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Twitter is an abusement park.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?