Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
How did we not see this back then?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS