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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.