[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Livid.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Inside you there are two wolves
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms