The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Never forget.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
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.
.
.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed