why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year