The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.